Hundreds of Waterbeds...for Cows

"At least four dairies in Oregon's Willamette Valley have bought into the "new thing" in dairy farming: buying water beds for their cows.

'There's four or five dairies in the Willamette Valley that have them. It's really beginning to catch on around here,' Kevin Krous with NW Dairy Service told KGW.

The cow water bed trend reportedly began in Minnesota but is now starting to catch on, on the West Coast. For example, the Van Loon Dairy has purchased more than 300 such beds for their cows, at a cost of more than $100,000.

"'As the cow gets ready to lie down, water moves to the front bag where her knees will come first therefore cushion it more. Less sores, less cows being stuck. Happier cows, happier milk," said Ben Van Loon.'"

-Eric Pfieffer (Yahoo)

Alright everyone just take a huge breath of relief.  How many nights have Americans been losing sleep over this?  I mean just last night I was thinking to myself, "You know what is a huge issue that needs to be solved in this country?  Fuckin' cows and their comfort."  

I mean haven't you already noticed lately?  I had a glass of milk the other day, and fuck... that milk just tastes so much...happier... I honestly don't know how we have survived before this genius idea.  What makes this even more amazing was that it costs a measly $100,000.  That's it!  What's that only about 200 regular mattresses, you know, for like...homeless people?  Nahhh, this is much more necessary.  I mean, people need that hint of happiness in their milk right?  

Actually, I think i'll stick to adding my own happiness to my milk in the form of coffee brandy, then go pass out in my bed that isn't even up to par for farm animals.  God Bless America.

Jonah Falcon, Man With World's Largest Penis, Frisked By TSA At California Airport

Turns out it's legal to have a weapon of mass conception at the airport.

Jonah Falcon was stopped and frisked by the TSA at the San Francisco International Airport on July 9 because of a bulging package hidden in his pants. But the 41-year-old New Yorker wasn't packing a dirty bomb, drugs or a Costco-sized tube of toothpaste. The New Yorker has the world's largest recorded penis.

In an exclusive interview with The Huffington Post, Falcon described his hard times with security guards after his extra carry-on became suspect.

"I had my 'stuff' strapped to the left. I wasn't erect at the time," said Falcon, whose penis is 9 inches flaccid, 13.5 inches erect. "One of the guards asked if my pockets were empty and I said, 'Yes.'"

Falcon said he knew that his interview was about to get a lot more personal when he was led through one of the X-ray body scanners and passed a metal detector.

"Another guard stopped me and asked me if I had some sort of growth," Falcon said, laughing.

Indeed he did have a growth.

By the age of 18, Falcon knew he had something special when his manhood reached a whopping 12 inches. His family jewel was hailed as the world's largest on record after an HBO documentary featured him in 1999. The Guinness Book of World Records does not record such feats, but Falcon did show his standout feature to Huffington Post Executive Crime/Weird News Editor Buck Wolf.

Falcon has been contacted by porn companies (though he's never accepted) and has been featured on just about every talkshow in the country.

As he passed through airport security, Falcon said a younger security guard felt threatened by his "very noticeable" package -- and interpreted it as a biological threat.

"I said, 'It's my dick,'" Falcon said. "He gave me a pat down but made sure to go around [my penis] with his hands. They even put some powder on my pants, probably a test for explosives. I found it amusing."

The screener gave up the extensive search without so much as a blush or a smile. Falcon made his flight back to New York on time.

But he learned something that day. The hardened traveler has a new game plan for airport security.

"I'm just gonna wear bike shorts from now on," Falcon said. "That way, they'll know. You'd think the San Francisco TSA would have had experience with hung guys before, but I guess not."

TSA officials at the San Francisco International Airport did not return calls for comment.

- Huffington Post

This could be the best airport story that I have heard in my life. All you hear is people complaining how their space was "invaded" and that they felt "violated". But that does not apply to Ole' Jonah Falcon. He just accepts the search like a boss because this mother fucker is walking around with a frigin babies arm swinging between his legs. I would say 99.9% of people would be suing the TSA for the treatment that Falcon experienced, but not Jonah. Security takes him to the side thinking he has a nuclear war head hidden in his pants and he just says nah bro that just my dong piece. TSA continues to give Falcon a public handy while peppering his dick with some explosives finding powder. And how does Falcon handle the situation he says next time hes going through security with some tight ass spandex so you can see every vein in his 9 inch flaccid meat stick. 

On another note Falcon has to be the most confident human alive and the worst part is he is ugly as shit. He can literally go up to any female in the world and get her to sleep with him without saying a word. All he has to do is guide said females hand onto his mammoth package and its game set match. Fuck the fact that he 100% looks like he is mashing nachos while living in his moms basement constantly,  any girl would sleep with him to say that they had sex with worlds largest human dick. I mean 13.5 inches give me a fucking break, there is nothing a man takes more pride in then his dick and Falcon has more pride then a family of Jews on the first night of Hanukkah. I'm not sure if I hate Falcon for having a monster cock or love him for how much swag he has. All I know is that if my dick grew 7 more inches I would walk around all day every day with nothing but a beater and banana hammock on. And every person I saw I would just stop look them in the eye and be like "this is the kinda heat that im bringing on a daily basis" as i watch there jaws drop. 

P.S Im trying to decide if having that big of a dick is a burden. How would you play sports? I guess we should just ask Shaq.

Assface Ruins Fundraiser... and Lawn

"Rob Olson wanted his lawn to look nice as he prepared to host a fundraiser meant to benefit individuals with Cystic Fibrosis. But the Lake Elmo, Minn., man accidentally killed all of the grass on his 40,000-square-foot lawn after using a pesticide he thought would kill only weeds.

"I think the packaging should say right on it, this will kill your lawn," Olson told local CNN affiliateKARE, who first reported the story.

Olson says he consulted with employees at the local Dege Garden Center before purchasing five bottles of weed killer, ferti-lome. However, a description on the bottle does warn that it works not only by first killing grass but also by preventing a lawn from being reseeded for up to six months..."

- Eric Pfeiffer (Yahoo)


This is why you read the directions when you don't know what the fuck you are doing.  Stop trying to save your pride and "be a man" and assume you know how to take care of a lawn.  Look what you did.  You tried to go over the top and make your lawn look spectacular and ended up just ruining everything.   Not only that, you try to make it seem as if it isn't your fault.  It doesn't need to be spelt out for you idiot.  Oh wait... it IS SPELT OUT FOR YOU ON THE BOTTLE!  Listen, pride is never a bad thing... unless you are a complete assface.  This guy is an assface multiplied by every square foot of his shitty lawn, which is a lot.  I'm not doing the damn math, just know he is a huge assface...

Look at the lawn first of all, he didn't even do a good job at killing the whole thing.  Guy can't do anything right.  Maybe you could have kinda saved it and made it an old-western themed fundraiser, I don't fucking know.  Sick kids running around with cowboy hats and just having a grand ol' time. But nope, ruined that too.

Also on a side note... why is this guy loading his lawn with pesticides and chemicals right before he invites a party of sick people to roll around in it all day... Someone grab a dirt claud out of this guys shitty lawn and knock him upside the head with it.

Did I mention he is a total assface?