Hundreds of Waterbeds...for Cows

"At least four dairies in Oregon's Willamette Valley have bought into the "new thing" in dairy farming: buying water beds for their cows.

'There's four or five dairies in the Willamette Valley that have them. It's really beginning to catch on around here,' Kevin Krous with NW Dairy Service told KGW.

The cow water bed trend reportedly began in Minnesota but is now starting to catch on, on the West Coast. For example, the Van Loon Dairy has purchased more than 300 such beds for their cows, at a cost of more than $100,000.

"'As the cow gets ready to lie down, water moves to the front bag where her knees will come first therefore cushion it more. Less sores, less cows being stuck. Happier cows, happier milk," said Ben Van Loon.'"

-Eric Pfieffer (Yahoo)

Alright everyone just take a huge breath of relief.  How many nights have Americans been losing sleep over this?  I mean just last night I was thinking to myself, "You know what is a huge issue that needs to be solved in this country?  Fuckin' cows and their comfort."  

I mean haven't you already noticed lately?  I had a glass of milk the other day, and fuck... that milk just tastes so much...happier... I honestly don't know how we have survived before this genius idea.  What makes this even more amazing was that it costs a measly $100,000.  That's it!  What's that only about 200 regular mattresses, you know, for like...homeless people?  Nahhh, this is much more necessary.  I mean, people need that hint of happiness in their milk right?  

Actually, I think i'll stick to adding my own happiness to my milk in the form of coffee brandy, then go pass out in my bed that isn't even up to par for farm animals.  God Bless America.

Jonah Falcon, Man With World's Largest Penis, Frisked By TSA At California Airport

Turns out it's legal to have a weapon of mass conception at the airport.

Jonah Falcon was stopped and frisked by the TSA at the San Francisco International Airport on July 9 because of a bulging package hidden in his pants. But the 41-year-old New Yorker wasn't packing a dirty bomb, drugs or a Costco-sized tube of toothpaste. The New Yorker has the world's largest recorded penis.

In an exclusive interview with The Huffington Post, Falcon described his hard times with security guards after his extra carry-on became suspect.

"I had my 'stuff' strapped to the left. I wasn't erect at the time," said Falcon, whose penis is 9 inches flaccid, 13.5 inches erect. "One of the guards asked if my pockets were empty and I said, 'Yes.'"

Falcon said he knew that his interview was about to get a lot more personal when he was led through one of the X-ray body scanners and passed a metal detector.

"Another guard stopped me and asked me if I had some sort of growth," Falcon said, laughing.

Indeed he did have a growth.

By the age of 18, Falcon knew he had something special when his manhood reached a whopping 12 inches. His family jewel was hailed as the world's largest on record after an HBO documentary featured him in 1999. The Guinness Book of World Records does not record such feats, but Falcon did show his standout feature to Huffington Post Executive Crime/Weird News Editor Buck Wolf.

Falcon has been contacted by porn companies (though he's never accepted) and has been featured on just about every talkshow in the country.

As he passed through airport security, Falcon said a younger security guard felt threatened by his "very noticeable" package -- and interpreted it as a biological threat.

"I said, 'It's my dick,'" Falcon said. "He gave me a pat down but made sure to go around [my penis] with his hands. They even put some powder on my pants, probably a test for explosives. I found it amusing."

The screener gave up the extensive search without so much as a blush or a smile. Falcon made his flight back to New York on time.

But he learned something that day. The hardened traveler has a new game plan for airport security.

"I'm just gonna wear bike shorts from now on," Falcon said. "That way, they'll know. You'd think the San Francisco TSA would have had experience with hung guys before, but I guess not."

TSA officials at the San Francisco International Airport did not return calls for comment.

- Huffington Post

This could be the best airport story that I have heard in my life. All you hear is people complaining how their space was "invaded" and that they felt "violated". But that does not apply to Ole' Jonah Falcon. He just accepts the search like a boss because this mother fucker is walking around with a frigin babies arm swinging between his legs. I would say 99.9% of people would be suing the TSA for the treatment that Falcon experienced, but not Jonah. Security takes him to the side thinking he has a nuclear war head hidden in his pants and he just says nah bro that just my dong piece. TSA continues to give Falcon a public handy while peppering his dick with some explosives finding powder. And how does Falcon handle the situation he says next time hes going through security with some tight ass spandex so you can see every vein in his 9 inch flaccid meat stick. 

On another note Falcon has to be the most confident human alive and the worst part is he is ugly as shit. He can literally go up to any female in the world and get her to sleep with him without saying a word. All he has to do is guide said females hand onto his mammoth package and its game set match. Fuck the fact that he 100% looks like he is mashing nachos while living in his moms basement constantly,  any girl would sleep with him to say that they had sex with worlds largest human dick. I mean 13.5 inches give me a fucking break, there is nothing a man takes more pride in then his dick and Falcon has more pride then a family of Jews on the first night of Hanukkah. I'm not sure if I hate Falcon for having a monster cock or love him for how much swag he has. All I know is that if my dick grew 7 more inches I would walk around all day every day with nothing but a beater and banana hammock on. And every person I saw I would just stop look them in the eye and be like "this is the kinda heat that im bringing on a daily basis" as i watch there jaws drop. 

P.S Im trying to decide if having that big of a dick is a burden. How would you play sports? I guess we should just ask Shaq.

Assface Ruins Fundraiser... and Lawn

"Rob Olson wanted his lawn to look nice as he prepared to host a fundraiser meant to benefit individuals with Cystic Fibrosis. But the Lake Elmo, Minn., man accidentally killed all of the grass on his 40,000-square-foot lawn after using a pesticide he thought would kill only weeds.

"I think the packaging should say right on it, this will kill your lawn," Olson told local CNN affiliateKARE, who first reported the story.

Olson says he consulted with employees at the local Dege Garden Center before purchasing five bottles of weed killer, ferti-lome. However, a description on the bottle does warn that it works not only by first killing grass but also by preventing a lawn from being reseeded for up to six months..."

- Eric Pfeiffer (Yahoo)


This is why you read the directions when you don't know what the fuck you are doing.  Stop trying to save your pride and "be a man" and assume you know how to take care of a lawn.  Look what you did.  You tried to go over the top and make your lawn look spectacular and ended up just ruining everything.   Not only that, you try to make it seem as if it isn't your fault.  It doesn't need to be spelt out for you idiot.  Oh wait... it IS SPELT OUT FOR YOU ON THE BOTTLE!  Listen, pride is never a bad thing... unless you are a complete assface.  This guy is an assface multiplied by every square foot of his shitty lawn, which is a lot.  I'm not doing the damn math, just know he is a huge assface...

Look at the lawn first of all, he didn't even do a good job at killing the whole thing.  Guy can't do anything right.  Maybe you could have kinda saved it and made it an old-western themed fundraiser, I don't fucking know.  Sick kids running around with cowboy hats and just having a grand ol' time. But nope, ruined that too.

Also on a side note... why is this guy loading his lawn with pesticides and chemicals right before he invites a party of sick people to roll around in it all day... Someone grab a dirt claud out of this guys shitty lawn and knock him upside the head with it.

Did I mention he is a total assface?

All You Can Eat!...But Not Really...

Listen bud, there are only so many fish... you gotta follow the rules.  Didn't you read the sign? It says...wait... it says "All u can eat".  As in, as much as you are capable of eating.  If possible to put it in any simpler terms, feed the man until he explodes, or don't put the sign up.  They even put "U" instead of "you" so you know it's legit. 

Listen, if I go to an all you can eat fish fry, buffet, BBQ, or a damn whale blubber festival... I expect to eat as much as I can shove down my ugly face.  Hell, shove a burger in my mouth and drop-kick it down my throat...I'm fuckin' hungry.  I don't expect to be like, "be careful not to eat too much at this ALL YOU CAN EAT, INHALE, OR PENETRATE YOUR BODY WITH WHALE BLUBBER FESTIVAL!"

This guy can wolf down 12 pieces of fish and asks for more, let him keep going.  He has been a problem in the past?  Take one for the team for a day and watch him suffocate himself in greasy fried fish.  No more problem.  Also, they complained that they were running out of fish, yet they tell him to leave, and as an incentive, give him another 8...EIGHT...pieces of fish.  Alright, so if my math is correct, by the laws of the Fat Shit Double Chin Theorem, that's 20 fuckin' pieces of fish.  You honestly think he is going to eat more than that?  If that's the case, this guy should be banned from SeaWorld.  He may make the whales jealous.  Fuck you Shamu, you got nothing on this guy.

"They do have the best deep dish pizza in town."

Nevermind, this guy is a fat shit, cut him off...

Our Future

 

I would like to dedicate this article to every parent that has had to sit through this exhilarating sport.  This sport, my friends... is tee ball.  In all honesty, when I have a child, I would love to have a boy.  However, I know this may entail having to endure one of the most torturous events known to the human race... Let me begin to explain...by describing a typical day, that involves hell.

What a great summer day, I feel like just relaxing, sitting in a lawn chair, and drinking my face off until I can't feel my feet.  This is what life is all about.  Until... you realize... your son, "little Johnny Ruins-the-day", has a tee ball game at 3.  I would literally rather shut my head in a car door than attend this crying, piss pants festival.  But what kind of parent would I be.

Show up at the field to see a shitty field that is never taken care of and sit on a metal bench (like what the hell, who thought metal was the perfect thing to sit on).  You mind as well just put a huge dildo in every seat so when I sit down, I get a huge dick in my ass and it would probably be more comfortable than these fucking bleachers.  Furthermore, where the hell is the concession stand?  Even if there is one, how do they not serve alcohol.  They want you to suffer.  I may die by the end of this.

Oh look, the game has started.  Now the real excitement starts.  The guy next to you's son is up to bat.  The guy is fucking annoying... "Ya!!! Hit the ball! You can do it, my little ugly shit son!"  Dude, shut up.  You making my ear bleed by screaming for your dumb shit son isn't gonna make him the next Babe Ruth.  The kid is wearing a diaper still, idiot.  Oh, look he struck out when the ball is on a tee and just pissed himself.  Congratulations.  Also, the pitcher is picking his nose, the shortstop is eating dirt, and the left fielder just shit his pants and is now crying for his mommy.  

What the hell am I doing here?! Can't I go home and watch my dog shit?! It would be much more entertaining...

 
 

Then I start to think to myself... At one point, Albert Pujols was a little 5 year old, probably pissing his pants like it was going out of style.  My son, standing there, with his hands down his pants, picking his nose, then without hesitating, shoving that finger into his mouth... He could be playing for the Red Sox one day...

Go ahead kid!  Chase butterflies in the outfield!  Eat that dirt!  Shit those pants like you never have before!  You are an All-star!  It's all part of the stages of becoming a baseball superstar...I guess...

What am I talking about... Where the hell is my beer?

I'm 83 years old and you, sir, are a pussy.

Yahoo video: 83 Year Old Woman Fights off Jewelry Thief with her Walker

I want to begin by tipping my hat off to the bravest fossil I've ever seen.  Now that I got that out of the way, this woman is in dire need of finding a good nursing home fast.  You can't go parading around like a vigilante at 83 years old fighting off fossil thieves.  You are not Chuck Norris and your walker is not a 12 gauge shotgun.  You will get shanked in the face.  "Did you just run into me at 0.5 mph and try to knock me out with your walker?" BOOM. Shank to the dome. Fossil dead. I mean it's a miracle in itself this old bitch didn't croak from pure adrenaline rushing to her heart.  Then she goes on to say that if she was only 10 years younger she could have had him.  Yup. At 73, she definitely had a chance. Up until then she was healthy as an ox and benching 420. The last 10 years have not been kind.

Then this neighbor comes into the picture and all she has to contribute to the situation is that this 83 year old fossil thief bounty hunter was bleeding on the ground and her dog was running free.  Fuck that dog. Where was it when all this was going on?  Did the dog just have back surgery?  Has the dog been alive since the Great Depression? That little bitch saw the whole thing happen yet he just watched as his master went fossil thief hunting with her spine falling out her ass.  This neighbor just saw all the cameras and wanted a chance at the spotlight.  The only way that dog becomes relevant is if this woman's hip had fallen out and he was "running freely" using it as a chew toy.

Lastly, but most importantly, the fossil thief.  This guy has got to be the laughing stock of the criminal world.  Seriously, lowest of the low.  He's already on house arrest, most likely because he got a crutch to the face trying to steal from a paraplegic.  Then the dude decides to pull a heist midday and doesn't even think to have an escape route.  Runs right into a dead end.  THEY WERE OUTSIDE. She's 83 fucking years old.  He could have taken the necklace and walked in any direction and gotten away scot free.  Instead he runs straight into a dead end corridor and somehow doesn't have time to correct his error before the heroic vigilante was all up in his shit. Unfortunately he doesn't get caught by the fossil.  That would have been the icing on the cake.  Still gets caught though because he's the worst criminal alive.  How is this dude gonna survive prison, where he will inevitably end up?  He wouldn't even last a day in a women's penitentiary. He'd have a strap on up his ass before he had time to fluff his pillows. Oh well. One less fossil thief in the world.

Fossils 1, Fossil Thieves 0

DILF, out. 

Today We Mourn. RIP big Billy Pace

William Lawlis Pace, Record-Holder For Living Longest With Bullet In Head, Dies At 103

HuffingtonPost Report:

TURLOCK, Calif. — The man who holds the Guinness World Record for living the longest with a bullet in his head has died in Central California at age 103.

The Modesto Bee reports ( ) that William Lawlis Pace died in his sleep at a Turlock nursing home Monday – 94 years and six months after his older brother accidentally shot him with their father's .22-caliber rifle in 1917. http://bit.ly/JHXmXv

Pace learned in 2006 that he had been crowned the world record-holder in the category of unwanted cranial ammunition acquisition.

His son told a newspaper during a birthday party for his father last year that doctors in Pace's native Texas left the bullet in place because they worried that surgery might cause brain damage. The injury damaged one of his eyes and facial nerves but didn't prevent Pace from working as a cemetery custodian.

As a first post to this glorious blog I've decided to pay homage to the late William Lawlis Pace, the official world record holder of "unwanted cranial ammunition acquisistion". While I have only known WLP (which is what i like to call him) for the 10 seconds it took me to read this article,  i can tell that this guy is the definition of a boss. Lets start with the fact that this guy got shot in the skull with fucking rifle. Fuck your pistol son, WLP stepped up with the big boys and took a hunting weapon to the cranium. And after eating a bullet and just walking off like its no big deal, he tells the doc to go fuck himself. WLP said im keeping this bullet in my head like a boss bro for a minimum of 9 decades. Big Bill amassed 103 fucking years of living, 94.5 of those with ammo in his skull while working as a cemetery custodian. Everyday at the "final resting place" he told the Grim Reaper to suck his dick. Not only was WLP pissing on deaths face by straight up crushing years lived, he cleaned that shit too. Just raking around those head stones taunting the dead saying "what happened to you brohan only made it 65 years? ive had a cranial ammunition inside of my brain for longer". Furthermore the only damage was to one of his eyes and some facial nerves. Well everyone including WLP knows you have two eyes, and pirates have proven you can function at 100% with  just one. Fact. Billy Boy shows us how to live a truly fruitful life, and there is no doubt in my mind this boss got blumpkin 4-15 times a week from the lucky lady who was fortunate enough to marry him.

But enough about WLP lets talk about the Guinness Book of World Records. Who the fuck invented the category "unwanted cranial ammunition acquisitions"? . My guess is that people who have unwanted scraps of "ammunition" inside their dome piece need something to fight for something to keep you keeping on. To bad this record wasnt around during the Revolutionary War because all those bros were taking cannon balls to the teeth day and night. By definition ammunition is a material used in the offense or defense of a position. If thats the case then im the world record holder of unwanted ammunition acquisitions of kitchen utensils to the torso because growing up my little brothers only defense was harpooning forks, knives, and spoons at me during our misunderstandings. 

What i learned from the life of WLP is that true heroes do grace this earth and that literally anything can be a world record as long as your word it right. 

Till next time you Jabronies