Our Future

 

I would like to dedicate this article to every parent that has had to sit through this exhilarating sport.  This sport, my friends... is tee ball.  In all honesty, when I have a child, I would love to have a boy.  However, I know this may entail having to endure one of the most torturous events known to the human race... Let me begin to explain...by describing a typical day, that involves hell.

What a great summer day, I feel like just relaxing, sitting in a lawn chair, and drinking my face off until I can't feel my feet.  This is what life is all about.  Until... you realize... your son, "little Johnny Ruins-the-day", has a tee ball game at 3.  I would literally rather shut my head in a car door than attend this crying, piss pants festival.  But what kind of parent would I be.

Show up at the field to see a shitty field that is never taken care of and sit on a metal bench (like what the hell, who thought metal was the perfect thing to sit on).  You mind as well just put a huge dildo in every seat so when I sit down, I get a huge dick in my ass and it would probably be more comfortable than these fucking bleachers.  Furthermore, where the hell is the concession stand?  Even if there is one, how do they not serve alcohol.  They want you to suffer.  I may die by the end of this.

Oh look, the game has started.  Now the real excitement starts.  The guy next to you's son is up to bat.  The guy is fucking annoying... "Ya!!! Hit the ball! You can do it, my little ugly shit son!"  Dude, shut up.  You making my ear bleed by screaming for your dumb shit son isn't gonna make him the next Babe Ruth.  The kid is wearing a diaper still, idiot.  Oh, look he struck out when the ball is on a tee and just pissed himself.  Congratulations.  Also, the pitcher is picking his nose, the shortstop is eating dirt, and the left fielder just shit his pants and is now crying for his mommy.  

What the hell am I doing here?! Can't I go home and watch my dog shit?! It would be much more entertaining...

 
 

Then I start to think to myself... At one point, Albert Pujols was a little 5 year old, probably pissing his pants like it was going out of style.  My son, standing there, with his hands down his pants, picking his nose, then without hesitating, shoving that finger into his mouth... He could be playing for the Red Sox one day...

Go ahead kid!  Chase butterflies in the outfield!  Eat that dirt!  Shit those pants like you never have before!  You are an All-star!  It's all part of the stages of becoming a baseball superstar...I guess...

What am I talking about... Where the hell is my beer?

I'm 83 years old and you, sir, are a pussy.

Yahoo video: 83 Year Old Woman Fights off Jewelry Thief with her Walker

I want to begin by tipping my hat off to the bravest fossil I've ever seen.  Now that I got that out of the way, this woman is in dire need of finding a good nursing home fast.  You can't go parading around like a vigilante at 83 years old fighting off fossil thieves.  You are not Chuck Norris and your walker is not a 12 gauge shotgun.  You will get shanked in the face.  "Did you just run into me at 0.5 mph and try to knock me out with your walker?" BOOM. Shank to the dome. Fossil dead. I mean it's a miracle in itself this old bitch didn't croak from pure adrenaline rushing to her heart.  Then she goes on to say that if she was only 10 years younger she could have had him.  Yup. At 73, she definitely had a chance. Up until then she was healthy as an ox and benching 420. The last 10 years have not been kind.

Then this neighbor comes into the picture and all she has to contribute to the situation is that this 83 year old fossil thief bounty hunter was bleeding on the ground and her dog was running free.  Fuck that dog. Where was it when all this was going on?  Did the dog just have back surgery?  Has the dog been alive since the Great Depression? That little bitch saw the whole thing happen yet he just watched as his master went fossil thief hunting with her spine falling out her ass.  This neighbor just saw all the cameras and wanted a chance at the spotlight.  The only way that dog becomes relevant is if this woman's hip had fallen out and he was "running freely" using it as a chew toy.

Lastly, but most importantly, the fossil thief.  This guy has got to be the laughing stock of the criminal world.  Seriously, lowest of the low.  He's already on house arrest, most likely because he got a crutch to the face trying to steal from a paraplegic.  Then the dude decides to pull a heist midday and doesn't even think to have an escape route.  Runs right into a dead end.  THEY WERE OUTSIDE. She's 83 fucking years old.  He could have taken the necklace and walked in any direction and gotten away scot free.  Instead he runs straight into a dead end corridor and somehow doesn't have time to correct his error before the heroic vigilante was all up in his shit. Unfortunately he doesn't get caught by the fossil.  That would have been the icing on the cake.  Still gets caught though because he's the worst criminal alive.  How is this dude gonna survive prison, where he will inevitably end up?  He wouldn't even last a day in a women's penitentiary. He'd have a strap on up his ass before he had time to fluff his pillows. Oh well. One less fossil thief in the world.

Fossils 1, Fossil Thieves 0

DILF, out. 

Today We Mourn. RIP big Billy Pace

William Lawlis Pace, Record-Holder For Living Longest With Bullet In Head, Dies At 103

HuffingtonPost Report:

TURLOCK, Calif. — The man who holds the Guinness World Record for living the longest with a bullet in his head has died in Central California at age 103.

The Modesto Bee reports ( ) that William Lawlis Pace died in his sleep at a Turlock nursing home Monday – 94 years and six months after his older brother accidentally shot him with their father's .22-caliber rifle in 1917. http://bit.ly/JHXmXv

Pace learned in 2006 that he had been crowned the world record-holder in the category of unwanted cranial ammunition acquisition.

His son told a newspaper during a birthday party for his father last year that doctors in Pace's native Texas left the bullet in place because they worried that surgery might cause brain damage. The injury damaged one of his eyes and facial nerves but didn't prevent Pace from working as a cemetery custodian.

As a first post to this glorious blog I've decided to pay homage to the late William Lawlis Pace, the official world record holder of "unwanted cranial ammunition acquisistion". While I have only known WLP (which is what i like to call him) for the 10 seconds it took me to read this article,  i can tell that this guy is the definition of a boss. Lets start with the fact that this guy got shot in the skull with fucking rifle. Fuck your pistol son, WLP stepped up with the big boys and took a hunting weapon to the cranium. And after eating a bullet and just walking off like its no big deal, he tells the doc to go fuck himself. WLP said im keeping this bullet in my head like a boss bro for a minimum of 9 decades. Big Bill amassed 103 fucking years of living, 94.5 of those with ammo in his skull while working as a cemetery custodian. Everyday at the "final resting place" he told the Grim Reaper to suck his dick. Not only was WLP pissing on deaths face by straight up crushing years lived, he cleaned that shit too. Just raking around those head stones taunting the dead saying "what happened to you brohan only made it 65 years? ive had a cranial ammunition inside of my brain for longer". Furthermore the only damage was to one of his eyes and some facial nerves. Well everyone including WLP knows you have two eyes, and pirates have proven you can function at 100% with  just one. Fact. Billy Boy shows us how to live a truly fruitful life, and there is no doubt in my mind this boss got blumpkin 4-15 times a week from the lucky lady who was fortunate enough to marry him.

But enough about WLP lets talk about the Guinness Book of World Records. Who the fuck invented the category "unwanted cranial ammunition acquisitions"? . My guess is that people who have unwanted scraps of "ammunition" inside their dome piece need something to fight for something to keep you keeping on. To bad this record wasnt around during the Revolutionary War because all those bros were taking cannon balls to the teeth day and night. By definition ammunition is a material used in the offense or defense of a position. If thats the case then im the world record holder of unwanted ammunition acquisitions of kitchen utensils to the torso because growing up my little brothers only defense was harpooning forks, knives, and spoons at me during our misunderstandings. 

What i learned from the life of WLP is that true heroes do grace this earth and that literally anything can be a world record as long as your word it right. 

Till next time you Jabronies

Perfect face my ass...

Yahoo Video Here

So uhh, there ya go men (and lesbians).  No need to look for that perfect someone out there.  Apparently "Lorraine Cosmetics" has said, "Fuck you and your search for perfection, because we are deciding for you..." They think they have the balls to dub this chick as having the most perfect face in the entire world, no questions asked.  Umm who the hell do they think they are?  Apparently, she has a "mathematically" perfect face... What the hell? You can't just backhand someone with a protractor and say it's mathematically perfect.  

Look at her with that filthy mug...it disgusts me.  Perfect?  You are telling me that it is IMPOSSIBLE to look any better than this chick?  Welp, I'm moving to the tropics and marrying a coconut.  If there is no way to look better than that ever, then what do we have to look forward to.  But, if she is so perfect, why isn't she already a celebrity for being the most beautiful person EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!  Exactly, because she isn't... She is a waitress, go get me my food, maybe I will leave my number on the receipt, if you don't call/text, then fuck you, you were never attractive in the first place.

Also, were there even any men considered in this perfect face-a-palooza?  Who said the perfect face was on a woman.  You telling me that no men are beautiful?! There goes my self-confidence.  I'm gonna go pound beer and shove cake in my face because I will never be beautiful.  I'll call "People" magazine and tell them to cancel my audition for most handsome man in the world.  I really thought I had it too...I officially retire, from all good looking competitions from here on...

Drink of the Week

In honor of the bruins game 7! We have dedicated our first ever Drink of the Week to them.

The Boston Bruin Drink Recipe

• 1 oz. Goldschläger
• 1 oz. Kahlua
• 1 splash Milk

 Simple, yet delicious. Grab a few buddies, if you feel that 1 ounce is not enough fuck it go crazy!

 Get the day started off right its HUMP DAY!

Jack Edwards

Seidenberg breaks his stick "and there goes another cigar in Aruba." Oh Jack Edwards you crazy mother fucker. You have the most ridiculous rants that pertain to who knows who, about who knows what. Here are some of Jack Edwards famous liners to get you ready for game 7 TONIGHT!!

This man is the Shakespeare of our generation...

P.S.
He may be an extremely biased crazy person, but he is our extremely biased crazy person and we love him very much.

It's Do or Die Time!!

Once again the beloved Boston Bruins are in a game 7! As if last year wasn't stressful, this year my hair is already gray. Who the hell do the caps think they are. They can't fear the beard of the Big Z or the pubes on Seguins face. (It's gettin' there).

Does the toothless baboon, Ovechkin, think he can overcome a bear? It's a fuckin' bear... Bear over baboon any day...I'll admit Holtby has been standin on his head, but the Bruins are doing him a favor! The kid is 22 years old.  They are just gonna give him some off time after they are eliminated to get his young stud athlete celebrity on and learn how to get the chicks like Seguin (pube face) is already a champ at!

So put your beer in the fridge, or you liqueur in the freezer and get ready for what is going to be a "do or die" game for the ages.

P.S Holtby is still GAY

Informercials are Awesome

I'm gonna come out and say it.  I think I am more entertained by infomercials than most comedies on TV.  I mean just look at this guy... what's his name Vince?  Vince is basically an American hero.  I'll watch him slap chop his ass off all day.  He just veers off and talks about his nuts in the middle of the commercial.  He gets away with it too, because he isn't a human. 

Also, don't get me started on Billy Mays... He would literally just yell his ass off at you until you bought whatever the hell he was selling.  The guy could get you to buy dog crap if he yelled at you long enough.  Had to have done crack before every commercial and thought he could take on the world... which he could... blindfolded...

I know some of you may be saying, "What is this jackass talking about? Infomercials suck..." Alright, genius... how many times have you caught yourself at 2 in the morning shoving ice cream in your face and realize you have been hypnotized by one of these creepily outgoing guys for an hour... Yeah, that's right.  You secretly love them.  CASE CLOSED!

p.s.
The slap chop, sham-hooray towel guy beats up hookers... next he will be on a Mace infomercial...
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/shamwow-guy-slap-chop-bust

-TNT

Ron Artest (refuse to call him anything else) is a joke...

Just gonna say that this guy is a disgrace of a person, much less an athlete...  The guy has been suspended 12 times already... are you kidding me?  He's also beat up a fan...oh, and I forgot to mention that it wasn't even the correct fan that pissed him off... just an innocent man watching a basketball game.  Can the NBA just suspend him permanently please? I mean when was the last time we heard of anything that this asshole brought to the NBA that was positive? 

This guy needs to join the MMA or something and get a wake up call.  Artest thinks he's tough, but he's just a punk that needs his ass handed to him.

p.s. James Harden is more of a player than Artest will ever be or ever was... plus he has a bad ass beard.

-TNT

Tyler Seguin gets it done!!!

THE KID COMES THROUGH IN THE CLUTCH! Tyler Seguin with the goal in OT...
This justifies us crackin' open the Sam Adams Summer! GAME 7!

p.s.
Caps fans suck

BRUINS

Maybe it will be last year all over again... which we completely don't mind...Let's get a game 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-TNT

Sunday Funday

Bruins game today... table just askin' to have games played on it... temptations are too much to refuse... BEER DIE!


welp, see ya lata

-TNT