I'm 83 years old and you, sir, are a pussy.

Yahoo video: 83 Year Old Woman Fights off Jewelry Thief with her Walker

I want to begin by tipping my hat off to the bravest fossil I've ever seen.  Now that I got that out of the way, this woman is in dire need of finding a good nursing home fast.  You can't go parading around like a vigilante at 83 years old fighting off fossil thieves.  You are not Chuck Norris and your walker is not a 12 gauge shotgun.  You will get shanked in the face.  "Did you just run into me at 0.5 mph and try to knock me out with your walker?" BOOM. Shank to the dome. Fossil dead. I mean it's a miracle in itself this old bitch didn't croak from pure adrenaline rushing to her heart.  Then she goes on to say that if she was only 10 years younger she could have had him.  Yup. At 73, she definitely had a chance. Up until then she was healthy as an ox and benching 420. The last 10 years have not been kind.

Then this neighbor comes into the picture and all she has to contribute to the situation is that this 83 year old fossil thief bounty hunter was bleeding on the ground and her dog was running free.  Fuck that dog. Where was it when all this was going on?  Did the dog just have back surgery?  Has the dog been alive since the Great Depression? That little bitch saw the whole thing happen yet he just watched as his master went fossil thief hunting with her spine falling out her ass.  This neighbor just saw all the cameras and wanted a chance at the spotlight.  The only way that dog becomes relevant is if this woman's hip had fallen out and he was "running freely" using it as a chew toy.

Lastly, but most importantly, the fossil thief.  This guy has got to be the laughing stock of the criminal world.  Seriously, lowest of the low.  He's already on house arrest, most likely because he got a crutch to the face trying to steal from a paraplegic.  Then the dude decides to pull a heist midday and doesn't even think to have an escape route.  Runs right into a dead end.  THEY WERE OUTSIDE. She's 83 fucking years old.  He could have taken the necklace and walked in any direction and gotten away scot free.  Instead he runs straight into a dead end corridor and somehow doesn't have time to correct his error before the heroic vigilante was all up in his shit. Unfortunately he doesn't get caught by the fossil.  That would have been the icing on the cake.  Still gets caught though because he's the worst criminal alive.  How is this dude gonna survive prison, where he will inevitably end up?  He wouldn't even last a day in a women's penitentiary. He'd have a strap on up his ass before he had time to fluff his pillows. Oh well. One less fossil thief in the world.

Fossils 1, Fossil Thieves 0

DILF, out.